White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
