She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
