Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
