I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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