You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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