I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
