fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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