Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
