Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
