I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
