Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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