I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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