It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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