the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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