i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
