What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
