I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
