i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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