my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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