When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
