remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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