24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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