do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
