mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
