I'm eating all of the evidence.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
