Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
