Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
