I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
