I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize