Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just pee around me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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