My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My bed smells like the plague
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