just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
