I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
