Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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