Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im holly from the hills drunk
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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