You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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