Operation Purity has been aborted
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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