i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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