You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize