Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
