There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He's on the porch naked. Help.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
