It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
