The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
