By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
