i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
