I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
