Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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