so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
