I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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