u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
