; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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