I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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