I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
