the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
