Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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