drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
