youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
