where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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