i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
