he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
