Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
