Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
