I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Your penis caused this!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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