you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
