Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
