Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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